I've Seen You

 There you are right in front of me - Always.

I see you smiling no matter where you are.

I've seen you hurt by the actions of others when you're only thought is how to do good.

I've seen you scared

Scared of learning, and possibly failing, at something new.

I've seen you brave.

Brave enough to go beyond your comfort zone and into the unknown.

I've seen you succeed in the unknown and accept it as a step forward for someone else.

Never crediting yourself or seeing it as a feather in your cap.

I've seen you laugh at yourself as easily as you laugh at me. It's pure warmth and it takes my breath away.

You tell me of things that make you happy and all I want to do is wrap myself up in your words because I already feel them. 

You are comfortable - to me. You are my favorite sweater. You are a roaring fire on an October morning.

I wait for your words and the sound of your voice. 

Every time I talk to you, I feel like a stupid schoolgirl because I hear you and already know exactly what you're saying because I feel it too.

I keep telling myself this isn't real, it never is. I can't feel this because I've been asked not to.

Then what? 

Someone has answers. There is too much to lose and no one who can listen. 

This truly is my own private hell, yet I'm so in love it just feels right. Good. For the first time.

Good. Good enough to stand back and not lose what I have.

Accept what I'm being given and keep the warmth in my heart. 

Love you from another place. ~TM

Despite what I thought, there are still first times

 Of late, I've been the one to repeatedly say, "Am I all out of first times?" It makes me sad, so I keep thinking of things that I could do that might be a first time. Then I remind myself that I'm not the girl for taking off and doing things alone. And yes, I've kind of put that under the microscope too. Why can't I do things alone? I have the answer to that one. It's not that I can't do things alone, because God knows for the past three years I've had no choice. 

I am a social person. I love to chat, and goof around. I love to laugh and make others laugh. I love to sing in the car and I really love to hold hands in the car while setting out for parts undecided. Of course, those activities can be mixed in accordingly with who I am spending time with. So doing things independently is not the issue. Being alone when alone is lonely isn't how I see me spending the rest of my life. I think for the first time in my life, I am choosy about who I want in my life. I'm not looking for a complicated relationship. For the first time in my life, I'm not looking for anything. I'm waiting for the right person to decide that I am the person too. I want to build from the ground up. I want to remember everything the pain of the past has taught me, and do it all differently.

Then someone drops into your life. Unplanned. Unexplained. 

The new acquaintance dance begins. You want certain things out on the table. You set your boundaries. Those boundaries that cross all relationships. Your character lines. The boundaries that if not respected, you risk losing a relationship/friendship in a very sad and angry way. So I do. I respect the boundaries. I respect the boundaries because I respect you. The hard part is if I don't respect your boundaries, I lose my friendship with you, so I keep my distance, emotionally, physically, literally. If I do respect the "you rule" you've laid down, then I never get to tell you how you make me feel. I keep my thoughts and feelings to myself because if I don't I lose my friend. And I'd rather have you in my life on your terms than not at all. 

This is the first time in my life I've quietly packed up my own feelings and made the decision to put someone else's boundaries and needs before my own. I usually just throw everything out on the table as it happens in my head or in my heart and deal with the fallout. And there's always fallout. But this time? This time my respect for you and the boundaries you've set for yourself- Your character lines-  is enough for me to be happy with the part of you I do get to know.

For the first time, I'm learning what it means to feel important to myself, but be able to make someone else equally important at the same time.