I am an advocate for the underdog. I'm sure you've heard that before.
When I am an advocate for others, I am strong, tall, loud and large. I can't be stopped, or silenced.
When I am an advocate for myself, I have become weak and scared.
So much happens, and everything changes, no matter how hard you work, it all changes.
I've spent a couple of months wearing my emotions on my sleeve. Looking for your reaction or response. Looking for your compassion and strength.
I've searched out pieces of me that I'm scared to share, and have tried to share them with you. A test? Perhaps.
I want to make that commitment. I am ready, but I want to know that every piece of me is safe in your life.
Do you understand? I don't think you do.
I think you guard your own heart so tightly that you forgot how to guard someone else's.
I have stood guard so many times for others' hearts, that now I want that strength standing guard of mine. I need your armour holding me tight.
I want to be protected, loved, and wanted. I want some who will be an advocate for me.
My voice when I'm silent.
The man that stands beside me and holds me up when I am falling. Who combines his strength with my moments of weakness, and builds us both up.
We talk of a life forever together, and I'm ready for that. If only it were that simple. I can't sacrifice pieces of myself for a life with you. I need to fit with you in all aspects of a life. I can't sacrifice who I am and what I need.
You can't set up good times for us, only to pull that away when you feel the need to get back at me for something.
That is the ultimate betrayal. To do something nice, and say "I want to do this for you." And then pull it away as some sort of punishment when I say something that makes you feel uncomfortable.
That is the ultimate betrayal. And it's not the first time. I am not a toy. I am supposed to be the woman you want to spend your life with. But you're willing to pull the rug out from under me because I am not strong all the time.
TM
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