What keeps me breathing

 

When bad things happen and happen and happen

 I used to get really stressed out and angry when bad things happened. I blamed anyone who could reasonably be blamed, and most of all I blamed God. And I guess how you deal with things when they go upside down kind of depends on your spirituality and your willingness to believe that you really are being tested, and there is something soulful and joyous coming if you let your heart believe that you have not been abandoned.

To be clear, I've never been one to sound the horns and beat the drum of religious armies coming to take us all away. Judgement day? I don't know. I have a serious aversion to basing every decision in my life on a book of stories that can't possibly be the word of God. Even if God sat back one day and dictated some words to a scribe with some scrolls and a pen, how many times do you think those words would have been transcribed by now? How many times did someone read that book and say "well, we don't really use that word anymore, so let's change it to this word." How many versions of the Bible are there? How many writings and updates? Are we so naive to believe that when writing new versions, there weren't pieces changed "to better fit the narrative" needed for its time? And who is to say that when those sections or passages were changed to a new version, that the "Bible transcribing committee" didn't write a new version that didn't mean what I had read it to mean?

So during the pandemic years, one thing after another happened. My marriage of 14 years collapsed, I lost my home, I lost my job, and I lost myself. I couldn't find my footing. I couldn't fit. I've had a hard time actually making my home a home even though I've been living in it for three years now. And for the first time, I looked at all these bad things and honestly did not have to be accountable for it. Well, the collapse of the marriage is a whole other story, and yes, no marriage collapses on its own or at the hands of just one person, but the loss of the job, the house, my safety and security, everything that made life worth living for me just fell away. Slowly, I was losing my hold on the fighting spirit I've always had. I was letting go. 

One day, my youngest daughter came to me and told me there was always hope. "God is always good, mom." "He has blessings just waiting for you to ask for them." At first, I did my regular roll of the eyes preparing myself for the religious come-to-Jesus that I expected was coming my way. But it didn't come. She gave me a book of daily inspirational thoughts, and said "Mom, just ask God for what you need."

I did that. And I'm not sure what happened but things started turning. Very slowly. Or maybe I only let them turn slowly. I needed to make sure my decisions were good and pure. Not selfish. 

During those years, I learned that I don't have to believe the way others believe. I don't have to be a fake Christian, or a Bible toting phony. I just have to be pure and unselfish in my love for others. I have to be honest and accountable, understanding that I'm not expected to be perfect. I just have to be faithful and wait and ask for the blessings that I know are waiting for me. I have to be worthy.

Truth, accountability, worthy, loving and pure in that love, unselfish. These are not too much to give in return for blessing me with laughter and happiness.

This is how I choose to wait for the hard times to pass. ~TM

My strength is my passion, if that makes me wild, then I'll live that truth

 Recently, I was referred to as a "wild woman." At first I wondered if I should be embarrassed. I wondered if "wild" really meant "too much." Being the self-examiner that I am, I felt like I really needed to take a step back and try to look at myself for a moment as others perceive me. I've done that so many times over the years, and I always come back to the same answer: "I am who God made me." I am passionate. 

I am passionate in all aspects of my life. I don't want to live a life without passion. When I feel love, I want to feel all of the love. I want to touch every part of what I love. When I care, I want to care completely. I want to care leaving no room for doubt. I want to care about the time of day. I want to care about the people who have space in my life, and I want to care completely.

I don't ever want to stop being the person I am. I am a passionate woman, and I suppose in order to be completely passionate and loving of all the aspects of my life, OK I feel a little wild sometimes. I take no offense to the term "wild woman." I have decided. I am wildly passionate. 

Sometimes intensity isn't a bad thing, it makes you good at what you're doing.

When I hold someone in my heart, my arms, in my head, I hold them completely and passionately. I don't want people to have to guess where my heart is, or how I feel about them. I want them to know for sure. I want them to feel every beat that my heart offers them. I want them to know the warmth inside my arms without me having to say a word.

 Read my eyes. 

Passionate. I speak with passion because I feel passion. Passion for  life, love, humankind, bodies, conversation, truth, touch, tears, kisses, whispers in the dark and light at the break of a new morning. 

I am a wild woman. Wildly passionate for everything I am, and everything I am given. I will never stop loving, and will never stop looking for the passion I am addicted to. I am wildly attracted to warm soft kisses and hugs, smiles, making others laugh and letting them make me laugh. 

I am happy when I am passionate and wild. ~TM