The bad people broke me

 The bad people broke me. And I know how this happened.

I am an empath. I used to think that all that meant was I sympathize with your pain. 

Nope.

That's not it. Oh, I do sympathize with your pain. But I also take on the pain and ill-will that people intend to inflict. I don't know that they understand how much damage words actually do. Especially to people they get angry at who don't deserve that anger. It lands. It hurts.

People say, "Oh don't take things so personally." 

They don't understand. I don't "take things personally." To an empath, words are personal. It is our nature to feel what others feel, so when they use words to launch their anger like a torpedo, it usually finds its target because we feel what they felt when they decided to plant their pain on you like a coat of paint.

Most times I'm able to let go of people's personal attacks. Especially when they come from someone who doesn't know me, and who just needs someone to absorb their bad feelings.

What is hardest for me is when the attacks just keep coming. And this has been one of those weeks. Loud, hurtful attacks one right after the other. Multiple times. Everyday this week.

 I broke. 

And for the first time in a really long time, I wished for someone to help me heal. Someone to help me up and brush me off and hold on to me. Someone to help me heal.

I just want to know that I got broken and I healed. I want to know that I won't stay broken.

Coming back

Recently I received an award at work that I never saw coming. No, really, I didn't. 

When I took this job a year ago, it was a last ditch attempt to convince myself I could still be relevant in a world that was slowly kicking me out. I was 63 and could not think about retirement.  I had tried and failed to stay employed. And honestly, my self-esteem was on a very long vacation and my feeling that  I could compete in a job market full of 20-somethings was slowly dwindling.

There is nothing more difficult than feeling insignificant, or unable to matter in a world where you have no other choice but to live. The only goal there is, is better. Do better. Beat the non-believers. 

When  I walked through the door of that little office I just wanted some place that would keep me employed. Pay the rent.

That little office, and that interview would lead me to believe in myself for the first time in a few years. 

I met people that believed in me.

 I met people that trusted that I could do what I told them I could without judging. And then they gave me a chance to prove it.

I met one person in particular that said, "I want to work with her." And it was you that changed my life.

You allowed me a chance to shine. To do good work. And to work with good people.

You laughed when I made mistakes, and let me know that learning this business was not easy.

You laughed when I sent you on a goose chase into the mountains. You hated that you were going but you never once made me feel bad for sending you. Through that laughter  I learned not ever to send you into the mountains again. 

You have taught me about the work we do and how it's not just a business, it's life. It's mobility. It's freedom.

You have been my friend, and teacher. You are a chapter in my book. 

This work is a chapter in my book.

 An award? No, I never saw it coming.