You punish me for needing you

 I am an advocate for the underdog. I'm sure you've heard that before.

When I am an advocate for others, I am strong, tall, loud and large. I can't be stopped, or silenced.

When I am an advocate for myself, I have become weak and scared. 

So much happens, and everything changes, no matter how hard you work, it all changes.

I've spent a couple of months wearing my emotions on my sleeve. Looking for your reaction or response. Looking for your compassion and strength. 

I've searched out pieces of me that I'm scared to share, and have tried to share them with you. A test? Perhaps. 

I want to make that commitment. I am ready, but I want to know that every piece of me is safe in your life.

Do you understand? I don't think you do.

I think you guard your own heart so tightly that you forgot how to guard someone else's. 

I have stood guard so many times for others' hearts, that now I want that strength standing guard of mine. I need your armour holding me tight.

I want to be protected, loved, and wanted. I want some who will be an advocate for me. 

My voice when I'm silent.

The man that stands beside me and holds me up when I am falling. Who combines his strength with my moments of weakness, and builds us both up.

We talk of a life forever together, and I'm ready for that. If only it were that simple. I can't sacrifice pieces of myself for a life with you. I need to fit with you in all aspects of a life. I can't sacrifice who I am and what I need.

You can't set up good times for us, only to pull that away when you feel the need to get back at me for something. 

That is the ultimate betrayal. To do something nice, and say "I want to do this for you." And then pull it away as some sort of punishment when I say something that makes you feel uncomfortable. 

That is the ultimate betrayal. And it's not the first time. I am not a toy. I am supposed to be the woman you want to spend your life with. But you're willing to pull the rug out from under me because I am not strong all the time. 

TM

There's a hole there, and it's taken my breath away

 There's a hole in my heart.

This vast expanse where there used to be heartbeats.

A space where there used to be pictures and thoughts of you, and the words you spoke. 

Words that made that space happy. Words that kept that space beating. Words that kept that space alive.

My heart is chained to you.

Now it's a hole. A vast expanse with no words, smiles, no extra beats. And no breath.

I can't breathe. I can't speak. I can't find the missing pieces.

I can't find my faith in you. 

Every word you spoke such a short time ago now comes into question.

The person I thought I knew so well, is now part of that hole with the missing beats.

You aren't looking for me, as you thought you were. But I am left looking for you.

You convinced yourself I was your person, the woman sent to you and meant for no other.

But you didn't think I would have desires, needs, and fears of my own. 

You just thought about what you needed me to do for you. You hoped I would never really need to be loved.

You looked for a caretaker, and found me.

Now I"m left with a hole in my heart. Missing beats. Speechless.

And alone.

TM

Please, definitely don't waste your time

Last night you demanded answers about us.

You wanted to know if we are a forever couple. An answer I didn't have.

Not because I'm not sure I love you. I am.

I'm not sure of your feelings. And I might have been right to be unsure.

You said you didn't think we had a lot of time left, and you didn't want to waste any more time.

We've been seeing each other for six months. 

I've laid in your arms, we've laid in my bed, and we've had long talks about life.

I never felt as though I was wasting my time. Not once.

I am beginning to question the past six months, and whether or not I really understood your motives.

You have wanted a relationship solely on your terms.

You have said you're willing to be patient, but you don't ask what I need to move forward.

All you say is we need to move forward, but you offer nothing to make me feel any safety, love, or compromise.

Oh you say a relationship takes compromise, but it always seems as though you're talking about me compromising how I need to be treated in a relationship. 

You've known all along what I've been through in other relationships, and you still expect that I should compromise everything I know and need, to be with you.

And now you tell me you've been wasting your time.

,

I take care of me

 I almost lost myself again. 

I've done it before. Become so wrapped in others' needs and lives that I forget to be me. I forget what being free and living my own life is like because I stop doing it.

I say I love you. I take care of you. I listen to you. I give you my concern. I help you to maintain your life while leaving my own behind. 

You are living in your head, which you have quietly laid on my chest. The longer your head lies there, the less I breathe.

I tell you I'm unhappy. I tell you I'm lonely. You don't hear. I'm lonely in a relationship. How does that work? Why did that happen?

In my heart, I know I can't stay. I've been in this place before, and lost myself.  I stayed lost until I was left with my broken heart and more tears than was ever meant for one person to shed. In fact, I've been in that place more than once.

I tell myself no more. But I've told myself no more before. What's different this time?

I am on my way back from being broken by someone else. I met you on that journey.  You helped me repair. But it took more time than you wanted to give to me. I wasn't even back on my feet before you decided that I had taken too much of your time. Time you wanted spent on you. 

My heart, my emotions, my loneliness became minor infractions to you. I was drifting away. I was floating out of the picture of the two of us.

I become tired. I become silent. I become old. 

My shoulders are heavy. My mind is overwhelmed. My body aches. 

I don't see you. I am in a relationship and I'm lonely. My friend disappeared months ago.

I can talk to you, but I know you'll only listen to the first few sentences. I can text you, but you likely won't respond. I can email you, but if you email back, you tell me my feelings and the mean words you say are minor infractions.

I am tired. I am lonely. And I'm on a journey.

I let you go, and continue. 

For the first time in my life, I let go and continue my journey. 

I take care of me. 

I love you. I hope you continue your journey and we find each other again. But for now....

I continue my journey. I follow my heart and the path that has been laid out for me. 

You are still my love story, but right now...

I take care of me.

Rocks don't bleed and they certainly don't cry

When people see you as a strong person, a rock, unbreakable, they forget you're still a human being.

There will always be people in your life that once they've decided you are strong, you won't bleed, and you certainly will never cry. Rocks don't bleed. 

But strong people both cry, and bleed. Because more than being a rock, they are human beings. They are living, breathing human beings that feel pain, sadness, happiness. They get tired. They lose focus. They get lost. They cry. And if you hurt them, they will bleed.

I am that person. I am strong. I am able to carry a lot on my shoulders, and what doesn't fit on my shoulders, I will make room for in my head, heart and in my arms. I will fill myself up until there is not space, time, or patience for myself. And since no one has ever seen me as anything but a strong person - a rock - it doesn't occur to them that I might need to be in someone's head, heart or arms.

Sometimes that rock needs a rock. You can't just assume that a strong person will never need love, compassion, or care. That's selfish. And if you love a very strong person, and part of the reason you love them is because they are low maintenance, you are not only fooling yourself, but you've allowed yourself to become selfish. And chances are strong pretty high that you are using them to make your life easy. You are using a human being to manage your life because you are afraid to do it yourself. 

It's an understandable dilemma. Perhaps you are someone who has made bad decisions, and been hurt by your decisions, so feel you are untrustworthy to make good decisions. So you find yourself a solid strong person to bring into your life to make those decisions for you. You convince them you love them because you've convinced yourself that you love them, and then you manipulate them into being your handler. 

Fear makes us do desperate things to keep us from repeating decisions that hurt us in the past. For those of us who are the strong, we make our mistakes, but we're brave enough to get back up and make another one in our quest to find the right path. We wrap our loved ones in our arms, and if they're looking to us to help them get back up, we do that because we know we are strong enough to bear their pain and our own, and we want to take their fear away. More times than not, we find ourselves being blamed when our strength isn't enough to carry another, or we can't take their pain away. 

It's a vicious circle for strong people. We want to be strong for ourselves and for those we love, but it's that strength that convinces others that you don't need anyone to pick up your pieces, or hold you when you cry. 

You're a rock. And rocks don't bleed, and they certainly don't cry.

Is it because I love you?

 Is it because I tell you I love you as often as possible?

Is it because I let you know that you amaze me?

Is it because I am constantly impressed by your desire to do the right thing for the other people in your life?

Is it because of my beautiful blue eyes? At least that's what so many others in my life tell me.

Is it because I love to do things for you?

Is it because I try to spend as much time with you as possible? Because that's a tough one given how busy you are. 

Is it because I tell you how much faith I have in your abilities?

Is it because of the way I laugh? I've been told by others in my life I have an infectious laugh.

I know I'm confident of myself, so I guess it's possible I am proud of what I have learned over the years. That doesn't mean I'm always right, it means I don't let anyone hold me back anymore.

I know my heart has been broken more than once so occasionally I put up barriers to my heart and may seem cold, but I also know if treated with love, honesty and respect, I am willing to give all of myself to those I love.

I know that sometimes I love too deeply, but I always felt I would rather be open with my love than to leave someone guessing how I felt.

So tell me, are these the reasons you love me? 

TM~

You are my love story

 

From the moment we met, your words spoke my heart.

I couldn't see your face, and I'm not sure where you heard my heart, but your lips spoke to my heart.

It scared me for that brief second when it didn't make sense, and it had to be something unnatural.

But it wasn't unnatural, it was more natural than anything I had ever felt. It was my heart.

I knew then, even though it was not something I could say or even allow, my love story had begun.

Love stories only work out in writing. They never work out in life. At least not in my life.

Not yet.

I don't know that love ever ends, and as long as the love is there , can the story end?

Your love brings peace. And excitement. 

I am safe in your arms. 

My love story has begun and you are my heart. 

TM~