Retirement is not a blessing to some of us

 I think the saddest part of growing older is you start questioning everything. Is this the last time I'll do this? Is this the last time I'll see this person? I'm not exactly knocking on death's door, but I'm divorced, and still working, and I'm not that person who can just take off and do things by myself. I enjoy road trips, but I like having someone to chat with in the car or laugh with. I enjoy good company. The people I know are all married or coupled up, and having been that way myself I know that you have a tendency to leave your single friends behind when planning to do things with others. For me, when I was married, a lot of the outings we took were together or with our family. My best friend was my husband, and I liked it that way. So did he. I made it clear at the beginning of our marriage, that I was not the clingy wifey type. If he had things he liked to do with friends, I would not be that wife that lays on the guilt trip for doing it. He treated me the same. We trusted each other.

Now, I'm single and people I know talk about going camping with their friends and family, and I wonder if I'll ever go camping again. It was something my dad sparked our love of, and I've loved camping since I was a kid, so not going anymore is incredibly sad. 

Camping is just an example of what I'm feeling about the future, and whether or not the loneliness of being a single person at my age is something that never goes away. I've dated but nothing and no one feels right. And there's a whole kind of fear that goes along with being single and dating when you're over 50 anyway. I don't know other people my age. I know my daughter and her kids, and they have their own life, and I know people from work, who are all at least 25 years younger than I am.

Coming home at night after work is difficult all by itself. I feel isolated the minute the door closes behind me. There's no one to say hello to, or to talk about the day with. It's quiet. All I can do is find something to eat for dinner, and go upstairs and wait to fall asleep, so I can get up and leave the house again for a while.

Most people look forward to retirement. I fear it.

Silent treatment from someone you love is no less than a punch to the gut

 

Letting Go

 I open my mouth to speak, no one's there, I just want to make sure I have words, but they don't make it out of my throat.

I feel the burning tears drop to my cheek, and I'm not sure how to make them stop. 

Your words tore into my heart and took my breath away. I knew it was more than I could let into my head. More than I could understand at that moment.

An instinct to defend myself was heavy but I couldn't speak. I couldn't write. The words were not there.

I tried to at least speak to you of the most painful words, but it was like someone else was writing for me. I didn't think you would hear the words, anyway.

I've been in this place before. The storm before the end of a relationship. Knowing someone has moved past you, but doesn't know how to say the words, so they avoid you, in the hope you will disappear.

I wish I had seen it sooner. I would have let go, and walked away with my heart in tact. Now, I walk away in pain knowing I am not in your heart, or in your mind at all.

I know now that I am no more than a burden to your heart. You ignore me in the hopes I will just fade away, and become a distant memory sooner than later.

I will let go. I am letting go. I have let go.

You mistook me for someone

 You mistook me for someone else.

You mistook me for someone weak- and desperate.

You thought I wouldn't notice that your words were poison disguised as passion, and heartfelt.

You saw me as lonely and willing to accept anything that you brought to my life.

You saw me as scared to be alone, and eager to accept your words as truth without seeing the actions behind them.

You mistook me for someone who would look the other way because, well, I should be lucky to find someone, anyone, right?

You mistook me for someone who would turn away from your mounting disrespect and swallow my tears just to have someone in my life.

You misunderstand my needs, and believe me to be weak and needy.

You mistook me for someone who is willing to stand quietly when you make unfounded accusations and try to convince me I've somehow hurt you, and in the same breath accuse me of never talking to you. 

You mistook me for someone who hasn't seen these actions before, and might be weak or desperate enough to accept the demeaning way you speak to me, and the lack of respect you show.

You mistook me for someone else.