Retirement is not a blessing to some of us

 I think the saddest part of growing older is you start questioning everything. Is this the last time I'll do this? Is this the last time I'll see this person? I'm not exactly knocking on death's door, but I'm divorced, and still working, and I'm not that person who can just take off and do things by myself. I enjoy road trips, but I like having someone to chat with in the car or laugh with. I enjoy good company. The people I know are all married or coupled up, and having been that way myself I know that you have a tendency to leave your single friends behind when planning to do things with others. For me, when I was married, a lot of the outings we took were together or with our family. My best friend was my husband, and I liked it that way. So did he. I made it clear at the beginning of our marriage, that I was not the clingy wifey type. If he had things he liked to do with friends, I would not be that wife that lays on the guilt trip for doing it. He treated me the same. We trusted each other.

Now, I'm single and people I know talk about going camping with their friends and family, and I wonder if I'll ever go camping again. It was something my dad sparked our love of, and I've loved camping since I was a kid, so not going anymore is incredibly sad. 

Camping is just an example of what I'm feeling about the future, and whether or not the loneliness of being a single person at my age is something that never goes away. I've dated but nothing and no one feels right. And there's a whole kind of fear that goes along with being single and dating when you're over 50 anyway. I don't know other people my age. I know my daughter and her kids, and they have their own life, and I know people from work, who are all at least 25 years younger than I am.

Coming home at night after work is difficult all by itself. I feel isolated the minute the door closes behind me. There's no one to say hello to, or to talk about the day with. It's quiet. All I can do is find something to eat for dinner, and go upstairs and wait to fall asleep, so I can get up and leave the house again for a while.

Most people look forward to retirement. I fear it.