Be More

 

I've Seen You

 There you are right in front of me - Always.

I see you smiling no matter where you are.

I've seen you hurt by the actions of others when you're only thought is how to do good.

I've seen you scared

Scared of learning, and possibly failing, at something new.

I've seen you brave.

Brave enough to go beyond your comfort zone and into the unknown.

I've seen you succeed in the unknown and accept it as a step forward for someone else.

Never crediting yourself or seeing it as a feather in your cap.

I've seen you laugh at yourself as easily as you laugh at me. It's pure warmth and it takes my breath away.

You tell me of things that make you happy and all I want to do is wrap myself up in your words because I already feel them. 

You are comfortable - to me. You are my favorite sweater. You are a roaring fire on an October morning.

I wait for your words and the sound of your voice. 

Every time I talk to you, I feel like a stupid schoolgirl because I hear you and already know exactly what you're saying because I feel it too.

I keep telling myself this isn't real, it never is. I can't feel this because I've been asked not to.

Then what? 

Someone has answers. There is too much to lose and no one who can listen. 

This truly is my own private hell, yet I'm so in love it just feels right. Good. For the first time.

Good. Good enough to stand back and not lose what I have.

Accept what I'm being given and keep the warmth in my heart. 

Love you from another place. ~TM

Despite what I thought, there are still first times

 Of late, I've been the one to repeatedly say, "Am I all out of first times?" It makes me sad, so I keep thinking of things that I could do that might be a first time. Then I remind myself that I'm not the girl for taking off and doing things alone. And yes, I've kind of put that under the microscope too. Why can't I do things alone? I have the answer to that one. It's not that I can't do things alone, because God knows for the past three years I've had no choice. 

I am a social person. I love to chat, and goof around. I love to laugh and make others laugh. I love to sing in the car and I really love to hold hands in the car while setting out for parts undecided. Of course, those activities can be mixed in accordingly with who I am spending time with. So doing things independently is not the issue. Being alone when alone is lonely isn't how I see me spending the rest of my life. I think for the first time in my life, I am choosy about who I want in my life. I'm not looking for a complicated relationship. For the first time in my life, I'm not looking for anything. I'm waiting for the right person to decide that I am the person too. I want to build from the ground up. I want to remember everything the pain of the past has taught me, and do it all differently.

Then someone drops into your life. Unplanned. Unexplained. 

The new acquaintance dance begins. You want certain things out on the table. You set your boundaries. Those boundaries that cross all relationships. Your character lines. The boundaries that if not respected, you risk losing a relationship/friendship in a very sad and angry way. So I do. I respect the boundaries. I respect the boundaries because I respect you. The hard part is if I don't respect your boundaries, I lose my friendship with you, so I keep my distance, emotionally, physically, literally. If I do respect the "you rule" you've laid down, then I never get to tell you how you make me feel. I keep my thoughts and feelings to myself because if I don't I lose my friend. And I'd rather have you in my life on your terms than not at all. 

This is the first time in my life I've quietly packed up my own feelings and made the decision to put someone else's boundaries and needs before my own. I usually just throw everything out on the table as it happens in my head or in my heart and deal with the fallout. And there's always fallout. But this time? This time my respect for you and the boundaries you've set for yourself- Your character lines-  is enough for me to be happy with the part of you I do get to know.

For the first time, I'm learning what it means to feel important to myself, but be able to make someone else equally important at the same time. 

 

What keeps me breathing

 

When bad things happen and happen and happen

 I used to get really stressed out and angry when bad things happened. I blamed anyone who could reasonably be blamed, and most of all I blamed God. And I guess how you deal with things when they go upside down kind of depends on your spirituality and your willingness to believe that you really are being tested, and there is something soulful and joyous coming if you let your heart believe that you have not been abandoned.

To be clear, I've never been one to sound the horns and beat the drum of religious armies coming to take us all away. Judgement day? I don't know. I have a serious aversion to basing every decision in my life on a book of stories that can't possibly be the word of God. Even if God sat back one day and dictated some words to a scribe with some scrolls and a pen, how many times do you think those words would have been transcribed by now? How many times did someone read that book and say "well, we don't really use that word anymore, so let's change it to this word." How many versions of the Bible are there? How many writings and updates? Are we so naive to believe that when writing new versions, there weren't pieces changed "to better fit the narrative" needed for its time? And who is to say that when those sections or passages were changed to a new version, that the "Bible transcribing committee" didn't write a new version that didn't mean what I had read it to mean?

So during the pandemic years, one thing after another happened. My marriage of 14 years collapsed, I lost my home, I lost my job, and I lost myself. I couldn't find my footing. I couldn't fit. I've had a hard time actually making my home a home even though I've been living in it for three years now. And for the first time, I looked at all these bad things and honestly did not have to be accountable for it. Well, the collapse of the marriage is a whole other story, and yes, no marriage collapses on its own or at the hands of just one person, but the loss of the job, the house, my safety and security, everything that made life worth living for me just fell away. Slowly, I was losing my hold on the fighting spirit I've always had. I was letting go. 

One day, my youngest daughter came to me and told me there was always hope. "God is always good, mom." "He has blessings just waiting for you to ask for them." At first, I did my regular roll of the eyes preparing myself for the religious come-to-Jesus that I expected was coming my way. But it didn't come. She gave me a book of daily inspirational thoughts, and said "Mom, just ask God for what you need."

I did that. And I'm not sure what happened but things started turning. Very slowly. Or maybe I only let them turn slowly. I needed to make sure my decisions were good and pure. Not selfish. 

During those years, I learned that I don't have to believe the way others believe. I don't have to be a fake Christian, or a Bible toting phony. I just have to be pure and unselfish in my love for others. I have to be honest and accountable, understanding that I'm not expected to be perfect. I just have to be faithful and wait and ask for the blessings that I know are waiting for me. I have to be worthy.

Truth, accountability, worthy, loving and pure in that love, unselfish. These are not too much to give in return for blessing me with laughter and happiness.

This is how I choose to wait for the hard times to pass. ~TM

My strength is my passion, if that makes me wild, then I'll live that truth

 Recently, I was referred to as a "wild woman." At first I wondered if I should be embarrassed. I wondered if "wild" really meant "too much." Being the self-examiner that I am, I felt like I really needed to take a step back and try to look at myself for a moment as others perceive me. I've done that so many times over the years, and I always come back to the same answer: "I am who God made me." I am passionate. 

I am passionate in all aspects of my life. I don't want to live a life without passion. When I feel love, I want to feel all of the love. I want to touch every part of what I love. When I care, I want to care completely. I want to care leaving no room for doubt. I want to care about the time of day. I want to care about the people who have space in my life, and I want to care completely.

I don't ever want to stop being the person I am. I am a passionate woman, and I suppose in order to be completely passionate and loving of all the aspects of my life, OK I feel a little wild sometimes. I take no offense to the term "wild woman." I have decided. I am wildly passionate. 

Sometimes intensity isn't a bad thing, it makes you good at what you're doing.

When I hold someone in my heart, my arms, in my head, I hold them completely and passionately. I don't want people to have to guess where my heart is, or how I feel about them. I want them to know for sure. I want them to feel every beat that my heart offers them. I want them to know the warmth inside my arms without me having to say a word.

 Read my eyes. 

Passionate. I speak with passion because I feel passion. Passion for  life, love, humankind, bodies, conversation, truth, touch, tears, kisses, whispers in the dark and light at the break of a new morning. 

I am a wild woman. Wildly passionate for everything I am, and everything I am given. I will never stop loving, and will never stop looking for the passion I am addicted to. I am wildly attracted to warm soft kisses and hugs, smiles, making others laugh and letting them make me laugh. 

I am happy when I am passionate and wild. ~TM

The Story in Music

 

Chasing the Dream

 All our lives we chase dreams.

Dreams of new roller skates, video games, and a new bicycle.

A few years later, our dreams include people. They are about love. Loving and being loved. 

When we're young, it never is possible that our dreams won't be realized. We know they will be, we just aren't sure when. 

Our dreams are our hope for a future. 

Dreams keep fear at bay. Dreams give us courage. 

Courage to keep going forward even when we know there are those that would crush our spirits, and break our wings.

Dreams are freedom. Freedom to love, freedom to be who we are.

Dreams are songs that remind of us of a lover from long ago, a beach warm and untouched by the day, and the stars bright and clear in the misty moonlight.

Dreams remind us that we are young and loved. 

Dreams remind us that no matter the age, the desire for human touch is warm and safe.

Oh to be sure, I'll never stop chasing a dream.

Loving without trusting

How do you say you love someone but you don't trust? I say why don't you trust the person you say you love? What's that? You say you don't trust anyone. 

When that happened to me, I felt the worst kind of betrayal. And it came from the one person I would have given my life for, or at the very least would have trusted with my life. 

Those are the lessons that come from pain.

 I'm faithful to my friends and my lovers of the past. I am trustworthy. I am worthy of your love and your trust. I give all of my heart to those I love, and if you're important in my life, you can be pretty sure I love you. I find it very dark when someone treats me as though they have a reason not to trust me. And then I wonder if the darkness comes from them and not me?

 People are quick to ask how I can say I love them. I think because I don't always see love in the familial sense or in the sexual sense. I can say I don't see love at all. I feel love, and my heart learns to love people by their honesty, their deeds and the words they choose to use with others. I feel love in how genuine they are, and how often I am blessed to see the child within and the happiness and light that radiates into my world. Those are not easy to fake. That's how I trust.

Trust comes with the love. It's a by-product of a genuine heart and a willingness to love someone for the person they are, and not the person you want to see them as. If I've lost my trust in someone, I will lose my love too. For me, one cannot live without the other. 

Do I sometimes love or trust the wrong people? Of course. But what is the alternative? To live in the darkness of mistrust or hate? That's not for me. I need people in my life and I look hard for those I can trust and love. Without judgment. It's my life and I choose love over hate all day long. ~TM