The bad people broke me

 The bad people broke me. And I know how this happened.

I am an empath. I used to think that all that meant was I sympathize with your pain. 

Nope.

That's not it. Oh, I do sympathize with your pain. But I also take on the pain and ill-will that people intend to inflict. I don't know that they understand how much damage words actually do. Especially to people they get angry at who don't deserve that anger. It lands. It hurts.

People say, "Oh don't take things so personally." 

They don't understand. I don't "take things personally." To an empath, words are personal. It is our nature to feel what others feel, so when they use words to launch their anger like a torpedo, it usually finds its target because we feel what they felt when they decided to plant their pain on you like a coat of paint.

Most times I'm able to let go of people's personal attacks. Especially when they come from someone who doesn't know me, and who just needs someone to absorb their bad feelings.

What is hardest for me is when the attacks just keep coming. And this has been one of those weeks. Loud, hurtful attacks one right after the other. Multiple times. Everyday this week.

 I broke. 

And for the first time in a really long time, I wished for someone to help me heal. Someone to help me up and brush me off and hold on to me. Someone to help me heal.

I just want to know that I got broken and I healed. I want to know that I won't stay broken.

Coming back

Recently I received an award at work that I never saw coming. No, really, I didn't. 

When I took this job a year ago, it was a last ditch attempt to convince myself I could still be relevant in a world that was slowly kicking me out. I was 63 and could not think about retirement.  I had tried and failed to stay employed. And honestly, my self-esteem was on a very long vacation and my feeling that  I could compete in a job market full of 20-somethings was slowly dwindling.

There is nothing more difficult than feeling insignificant, or unable to matter in a world where you have no other choice but to live. The only goal there is, is better. Do better. Beat the non-believers. 

When  I walked through the door of that little office I just wanted some place that would keep me employed. Pay the rent.

That little office, and that interview would lead me to believe in myself for the first time in a few years. 

I met people that believed in me.

 I met people that trusted that I could do what I told them I could without judging. And then they gave me a chance to prove it.

I met one person in particular that said, "I want to work with her." And it was you that changed my life.

You allowed me a chance to shine. To do good work. And to work with good people.

You laughed when I made mistakes, and let me know that learning this business was not easy.

You laughed when I sent you on a goose chase into the mountains. You hated that you were going but you never once made me feel bad for sending you. Through that laughter  I learned not ever to send you into the mountains again. 

You have taught me about the work we do and how it's not just a business, it's life. It's mobility. It's freedom.

You have been my friend, and teacher. You are a chapter in my book. 

This work is a chapter in my book.

 An award? No, I never saw it coming. 

Be More

 

I've Seen You

 There you are right in front of me - Always.

I see you smiling no matter where you are.

I've seen you hurt by the actions of others when you're only thought is how to do good.

I've seen you scared

Scared of learning, and possibly failing, at something new.

I've seen you brave.

Brave enough to go beyond your comfort zone and into the unknown.

I've seen you succeed in the unknown and accept it as a step forward for someone else.

Never crediting yourself or seeing it as a feather in your cap.

I've seen you laugh at yourself as easily as you laugh at me. It's pure warmth and it takes my breath away.

You tell me of things that make you happy and all I want to do is wrap myself up in your words because I already feel them. 

You are comfortable - to me. You are my favorite sweater. You are a roaring fire on an October morning.

I wait for your words and the sound of your voice. 

Every time I talk to you, I feel like a stupid schoolgirl because I hear you and already know exactly what you're saying because I feel it too.

I keep telling myself this isn't real, it never is. I can't feel this because I've been asked not to.

Then what? 

Someone has answers. There is too much to lose and no one who can listen. 

This truly is my own private hell, yet I'm so in love it just feels right. Good. For the first time.

Good. Good enough to stand back and not lose what I have.

Accept what I'm being given and keep the warmth in my heart. 

Love you from another place. ~TM

Despite what I thought, there are still first times

 Of late, I've been the one to repeatedly say, "Am I all out of first times?" It makes me sad, so I keep thinking of things that I could do that might be a first time. Then I remind myself that I'm not the girl for taking off and doing things alone. And yes, I've kind of put that under the microscope too. Why can't I do things alone? I have the answer to that one. It's not that I can't do things alone, because God knows for the past three years I've had no choice. 

I am a social person. I love to chat, and goof around. I love to laugh and make others laugh. I love to sing in the car and I really love to hold hands in the car while setting out for parts undecided. Of course, those activities can be mixed in accordingly with who I am spending time with. So doing things independently is not the issue. Being alone when alone is lonely isn't how I see me spending the rest of my life. I think for the first time in my life, I am choosy about who I want in my life. I'm not looking for a complicated relationship. For the first time in my life, I'm not looking for anything. I'm waiting for the right person to decide that I am the person too. I want to build from the ground up. I want to remember everything the pain of the past has taught me, and do it all differently.

Then someone drops into your life. Unplanned. Unexplained. 

The new acquaintance dance begins. You want certain things out on the table. You set your boundaries. Those boundaries that cross all relationships. Your character lines. The boundaries that if not respected, you risk losing a relationship/friendship in a very sad and angry way. So I do. I respect the boundaries. I respect the boundaries because I respect you. The hard part is if I don't respect your boundaries, I lose my friendship with you, so I keep my distance, emotionally, physically, literally. If I do respect the "you rule" you've laid down, then I never get to tell you how you make me feel. I keep my thoughts and feelings to myself because if I don't I lose my friend. And I'd rather have you in my life on your terms than not at all. 

This is the first time in my life I've quietly packed up my own feelings and made the decision to put someone else's boundaries and needs before my own. I usually just throw everything out on the table as it happens in my head or in my heart and deal with the fallout. And there's always fallout. But this time? This time my respect for you and the boundaries you've set for yourself- Your character lines-  is enough for me to be happy with the part of you I do get to know.

For the first time, I'm learning what it means to feel important to myself, but be able to make someone else equally important at the same time. 

 

What keeps me breathing

 

When bad things happen and happen and happen

 I used to get really stressed out and angry when bad things happened. I blamed anyone who could reasonably be blamed, and most of all I blamed God. And I guess how you deal with things when they go upside down kind of depends on your spirituality and your willingness to believe that you really are being tested, and there is something soulful and joyous coming if you let your heart believe that you have not been abandoned.

To be clear, I've never been one to sound the horns and beat the drum of religious armies coming to take us all away. Judgement day? I don't know. I have a serious aversion to basing every decision in my life on a book of stories that can't possibly be the word of God. Even if God sat back one day and dictated some words to a scribe with some scrolls and a pen, how many times do you think those words would have been transcribed by now? How many times did someone read that book and say "well, we don't really use that word anymore, so let's change it to this word." How many versions of the Bible are there? How many writings and updates? Are we so naive to believe that when writing new versions, there weren't pieces changed "to better fit the narrative" needed for its time? And who is to say that when those sections or passages were changed to a new version, that the "Bible transcribing committee" didn't write a new version that didn't mean what I had read it to mean?

So during the pandemic years, one thing after another happened. My marriage of 14 years collapsed, I lost my home, I lost my job, and I lost myself. I couldn't find my footing. I couldn't fit. I've had a hard time actually making my home a home even though I've been living in it for three years now. And for the first time, I looked at all these bad things and honestly did not have to be accountable for it. Well, the collapse of the marriage is a whole other story, and yes, no marriage collapses on its own or at the hands of just one person, but the loss of the job, the house, my safety and security, everything that made life worth living for me just fell away. Slowly, I was losing my hold on the fighting spirit I've always had. I was letting go. 

One day, my youngest daughter came to me and told me there was always hope. "God is always good, mom." "He has blessings just waiting for you to ask for them." At first, I did my regular roll of the eyes preparing myself for the religious come-to-Jesus that I expected was coming my way. But it didn't come. She gave me a book of daily inspirational thoughts, and said "Mom, just ask God for what you need."

I did that. And I'm not sure what happened but things started turning. Very slowly. Or maybe I only let them turn slowly. I needed to make sure my decisions were good and pure. Not selfish. 

During those years, I learned that I don't have to believe the way others believe. I don't have to be a fake Christian, or a Bible toting phony. I just have to be pure and unselfish in my love for others. I have to be honest and accountable, understanding that I'm not expected to be perfect. I just have to be faithful and wait and ask for the blessings that I know are waiting for me. I have to be worthy.

Truth, accountability, worthy, loving and pure in that love, unselfish. These are not too much to give in return for blessing me with laughter and happiness.

This is how I choose to wait for the hard times to pass. ~TM

My strength is my passion, if that makes me wild, then I'll live that truth

 Recently, I was referred to as a "wild woman." At first I wondered if I should be embarrassed. I wondered if "wild" really meant "too much." Being the self-examiner that I am, I felt like I really needed to take a step back and try to look at myself for a moment as others perceive me. I've done that so many times over the years, and I always come back to the same answer: "I am who God made me." I am passionate. 

I am passionate in all aspects of my life. I don't want to live a life without passion. When I feel love, I want to feel all of the love. I want to touch every part of what I love. When I care, I want to care completely. I want to care leaving no room for doubt. I want to care about the time of day. I want to care about the people who have space in my life, and I want to care completely.

I don't ever want to stop being the person I am. I am a passionate woman, and I suppose in order to be completely passionate and loving of all the aspects of my life, OK I feel a little wild sometimes. I take no offense to the term "wild woman." I have decided. I am wildly passionate. 

Sometimes intensity isn't a bad thing, it makes you good at what you're doing.

When I hold someone in my heart, my arms, in my head, I hold them completely and passionately. I don't want people to have to guess where my heart is, or how I feel about them. I want them to know for sure. I want them to feel every beat that my heart offers them. I want them to know the warmth inside my arms without me having to say a word.

 Read my eyes. 

Passionate. I speak with passion because I feel passion. Passion for  life, love, humankind, bodies, conversation, truth, touch, tears, kisses, whispers in the dark and light at the break of a new morning. 

I am a wild woman. Wildly passionate for everything I am, and everything I am given. I will never stop loving, and will never stop looking for the passion I am addicted to. I am wildly attracted to warm soft kisses and hugs, smiles, making others laugh and letting them make me laugh. 

I am happy when I am passionate and wild. ~TM

The Story in Music

 

Chasing the Dream

 All our lives we chase dreams.

Dreams of new roller skates, video games, and a new bicycle.

A few years later, our dreams include people. They are about love. Loving and being loved. 

When we're young, it never is possible that our dreams won't be realized. We know they will be, we just aren't sure when. 

Our dreams are our hope for a future. 

Dreams keep fear at bay. Dreams give us courage. 

Courage to keep going forward even when we know there are those that would crush our spirits, and break our wings.

Dreams are freedom. Freedom to love, freedom to be who we are.

Dreams are songs that remind of us of a lover from long ago, a beach warm and untouched by the day, and the stars bright and clear in the misty moonlight.

Dreams remind us that we are young and loved. 

Dreams remind us that no matter the age, the desire for human touch is warm and safe.

Oh to be sure, I'll never stop chasing a dream.

Loving without trusting

How do you say you love someone but you don't trust? I say why don't you trust the person you say you love? What's that? You say you don't trust anyone. 

When that happened to me, I felt the worst kind of betrayal. And it came from the one person I would have given my life for, or at the very least would have trusted with my life. 

Those are the lessons that come from pain.

 I'm faithful to my friends and my lovers of the past. I am trustworthy. I am worthy of your love and your trust. I give all of my heart to those I love, and if you're important in my life, you can be pretty sure I love you. I find it very dark when someone treats me as though they have a reason not to trust me. And then I wonder if the darkness comes from them and not me?

 People are quick to ask how I can say I love them. I think because I don't always see love in the familial sense or in the sexual sense. I can say I don't see love at all. I feel love, and my heart learns to love people by their honesty, their deeds and the words they choose to use with others. I feel love in how genuine they are, and how often I am blessed to see the child within and the happiness and light that radiates into my world. Those are not easy to fake. That's how I trust.

Trust comes with the love. It's a by-product of a genuine heart and a willingness to love someone for the person they are, and not the person you want to see them as. If I've lost my trust in someone, I will lose my love too. For me, one cannot live without the other. 

Do I sometimes love or trust the wrong people? Of course. But what is the alternative? To live in the darkness of mistrust or hate? That's not for me. I need people in my life and I look hard for those I can trust and love. Without judgment. It's my life and I choose love over hate all day long. ~TM

Retirement is not a blessing to some of us

 I think the saddest part of growing older is you start questioning everything. Is this the last time I'll do this? Is this the last time I'll see this person? I'm not exactly knocking on death's door, but I'm divorced, and still working, and I'm not that person who can just take off and do things by myself. I enjoy road trips, but I like having someone to chat with in the car or laugh with. I enjoy good company. The people I know are all married or coupled up, and having been that way myself I know that you have a tendency to leave your single friends behind when planning to do things with others. For me, when I was married, a lot of the outings we took were together or with our family. My best friend was my husband, and I liked it that way. So did he. I made it clear at the beginning of our marriage, that I was not the clingy wifey type. If he had things he liked to do with friends, I would not be that wife that lays on the guilt trip for doing it. He treated me the same. We trusted each other.

Now, I'm single and people I know talk about going camping with their friends and family, and I wonder if I'll ever go camping again. It was something my dad sparked our love of, and I've loved camping since I was a kid, so not going anymore is incredibly sad. 

Camping is just an example of what I'm feeling about the future, and whether or not the loneliness of being a single person at my age is something that never goes away. I've dated but nothing and no one feels right. And there's a whole kind of fear that goes along with being single and dating when you're over 50 anyway. I don't know other people my age. I know my daughter and her kids, and they have their own life, and I know people from work, who are all at least 25 years younger than I am.

Coming home at night after work is difficult all by itself. I feel isolated the minute the door closes behind me. There's no one to say hello to, or to talk about the day with. It's quiet. All I can do is find something to eat for dinner, and go upstairs and wait to fall asleep, so I can get up and leave the house again for a while.

Most people look forward to retirement. I fear it.

Silent treatment from someone you love is no less than a punch to the gut

 

Letting Go

 I open my mouth to speak, no one's there, I just want to make sure I have words, but they don't make it out of my throat.

I feel the burning tears drop to my cheek, and I'm not sure how to make them stop. 

Your words tore into my heart and took my breath away. I knew it was more than I could let into my head. More than I could understand at that moment.

An instinct to defend myself was heavy but I couldn't speak. I couldn't write. The words were not there.

I tried to at least speak to you of the most painful words, but it was like someone else was writing for me. I didn't think you would hear the words, anyway.

I've been in this place before. The storm before the end of a relationship. Knowing someone has moved past you, but doesn't know how to say the words, so they avoid you, in the hope you will disappear.

I wish I had seen it sooner. I would have let go, and walked away with my heart in tact. Now, I walk away in pain knowing I am not in your heart, or in your mind at all.

I know now that I am no more than a burden to your heart. You ignore me in the hopes I will just fade away, and become a distant memory sooner than later.

I will let go. I am letting go. I have let go.

You mistook me for someone

 You mistook me for someone else.

You mistook me for someone weak- and desperate.

You thought I wouldn't notice that your words were poison disguised as passion, and heartfelt.

You saw me as lonely and willing to accept anything that you brought to my life.

You saw me as scared to be alone, and eager to accept your words as truth without seeing the actions behind them.

You mistook me for someone who would look the other way because, well, I should be lucky to find someone, anyone, right?

You mistook me for someone who would turn away from your mounting disrespect and swallow my tears just to have someone in my life.

You misunderstand my needs, and believe me to be weak and needy.

You mistook me for someone who is willing to stand quietly when you make unfounded accusations and try to convince me I've somehow hurt you, and in the same breath accuse me of never talking to you. 

You mistook me for someone who hasn't seen these actions before, and might be weak or desperate enough to accept the demeaning way you speak to me, and the lack of respect you show.

You mistook me for someone else.

You punish me for needing you

 I am an advocate for the underdog. I'm sure you've heard that before.

When I am an advocate for others, I am strong, tall, loud and large. I can't be stopped, or silenced.

When I am an advocate for myself, I have become weak and scared. 

So much happens, and everything changes, no matter how hard you work, it all changes.

I've spent a couple of months wearing my emotions on my sleeve. Looking for your reaction or response. Looking for your compassion and strength. 

I've searched out pieces of me that I'm scared to share, and have tried to share them with you. A test? Perhaps. 

I want to make that commitment. I am ready, but I want to know that every piece of me is safe in your life.

Do you understand? I don't think you do.

I think you guard your own heart so tightly that you forgot how to guard someone else's. 

I have stood guard so many times for others' hearts, that now I want that strength standing guard of mine. I need your armour holding me tight.

I want to be protected, loved, and wanted. I want some who will be an advocate for me. 

My voice when I'm silent.

The man that stands beside me and holds me up when I am falling. Who combines his strength with my moments of weakness, and builds us both up.

We talk of a life forever together, and I'm ready for that. If only it were that simple. I can't sacrifice pieces of myself for a life with you. I need to fit with you in all aspects of a life. I can't sacrifice who I am and what I need.

You can't set up good times for us, only to pull that away when you feel the need to get back at me for something. 

That is the ultimate betrayal. To do something nice, and say "I want to do this for you." And then pull it away as some sort of punishment when I say something that makes you feel uncomfortable. 

That is the ultimate betrayal. And it's not the first time. I am not a toy. I am supposed to be the woman you want to spend your life with. But you're willing to pull the rug out from under me because I am not strong all the time. 

TM

There's a hole there, and it's taken my breath away

 There's a hole in my heart.

This vast expanse where there used to be heartbeats.

A space where there used to be pictures and thoughts of you, and the words you spoke. 

Words that made that space happy. Words that kept that space beating. Words that kept that space alive.

My heart is chained to you.

Now it's a hole. A vast expanse with no words, smiles, no extra beats. And no breath.

I can't breathe. I can't speak. I can't find the missing pieces.

I can't find my faith in you. 

Every word you spoke such a short time ago now comes into question.

The person I thought I knew so well, is now part of that hole with the missing beats.

You aren't looking for me, as you thought you were. But I am left looking for you.

You convinced yourself I was your person, the woman sent to you and meant for no other.

But you didn't think I would have desires, needs, and fears of my own. 

You just thought about what you needed me to do for you. You hoped I would never really need to be loved.

You looked for a caretaker, and found me.

Now I"m left with a hole in my heart. Missing beats. Speechless.

And alone.

TM

Please, definitely don't waste your time

Last night you demanded answers about us.

You wanted to know if we are a forever couple. An answer I didn't have.

Not because I'm not sure I love you. I am.

I'm not sure of your feelings. And I might have been right to be unsure.

You said you didn't think we had a lot of time left, and you didn't want to waste any more time.

We've been seeing each other for six months. 

I've laid in your arms, we've laid in my bed, and we've had long talks about life.

I never felt as though I was wasting my time. Not once.

I am beginning to question the past six months, and whether or not I really understood your motives.

You have wanted a relationship solely on your terms.

You have said you're willing to be patient, but you don't ask what I need to move forward.

All you say is we need to move forward, but you offer nothing to make me feel any safety, love, or compromise.

Oh you say a relationship takes compromise, but it always seems as though you're talking about me compromising how I need to be treated in a relationship. 

You've known all along what I've been through in other relationships, and you still expect that I should compromise everything I know and need, to be with you.

And now you tell me you've been wasting your time.

,

I take care of me

 I almost lost myself again. 

I've done it before. Become so wrapped in others' needs and lives that I forget to be me. I forget what being free and living my own life is like because I stop doing it.

I say I love you. I take care of you. I listen to you. I give you my concern. I help you to maintain your life while leaving my own behind. 

You are living in your head, which you have quietly laid on my chest. The longer your head lies there, the less I breathe.

I tell you I'm unhappy. I tell you I'm lonely. You don't hear. I'm lonely in a relationship. How does that work? Why did that happen?

In my heart, I know I can't stay. I've been in this place before, and lost myself.  I stayed lost until I was left with my broken heart and more tears than was ever meant for one person to shed. In fact, I've been in that place more than once.

I tell myself no more. But I've told myself no more before. What's different this time?

I am on my way back from being broken by someone else. I met you on that journey.  You helped me repair. But it took more time than you wanted to give to me. I wasn't even back on my feet before you decided that I had taken too much of your time. Time you wanted spent on you. 

My heart, my emotions, my loneliness became minor infractions to you. I was drifting away. I was floating out of the picture of the two of us.

I become tired. I become silent. I become old. 

My shoulders are heavy. My mind is overwhelmed. My body aches. 

I don't see you. I am in a relationship and I'm lonely. My friend disappeared months ago.

I can talk to you, but I know you'll only listen to the first few sentences. I can text you, but you likely won't respond. I can email you, but if you email back, you tell me my feelings and the mean words you say are minor infractions.

I am tired. I am lonely. And I'm on a journey.

I let you go, and continue. 

For the first time in my life, I let go and continue my journey. 

I take care of me. 

I love you. I hope you continue your journey and we find each other again. But for now....

I continue my journey. I follow my heart and the path that has been laid out for me. 

You are still my love story, but right now...

I take care of me.

Rocks don't bleed and they certainly don't cry

When people see you as a strong person, a rock, unbreakable, they forget you're still a human being.

There will always be people in your life that once they've decided you are strong, you won't bleed, and you certainly will never cry. Rocks don't bleed. 

But strong people both cry, and bleed. Because more than being a rock, they are human beings. They are living, breathing human beings that feel pain, sadness, happiness. They get tired. They lose focus. They get lost. They cry. And if you hurt them, they will bleed.

I am that person. I am strong. I am able to carry a lot on my shoulders, and what doesn't fit on my shoulders, I will make room for in my head, heart and in my arms. I will fill myself up until there is not space, time, or patience for myself. And since no one has ever seen me as anything but a strong person - a rock - it doesn't occur to them that I might need to be in someone's head, heart or arms.

Sometimes that rock needs a rock. You can't just assume that a strong person will never need love, compassion, or care. That's selfish. And if you love a very strong person, and part of the reason you love them is because they are low maintenance, you are not only fooling yourself, but you've allowed yourself to become selfish. And chances are strong pretty high that you are using them to make your life easy. You are using a human being to manage your life because you are afraid to do it yourself. 

It's an understandable dilemma. Perhaps you are someone who has made bad decisions, and been hurt by your decisions, so feel you are untrustworthy to make good decisions. So you find yourself a solid strong person to bring into your life to make those decisions for you. You convince them you love them because you've convinced yourself that you love them, and then you manipulate them into being your handler. 

Fear makes us do desperate things to keep us from repeating decisions that hurt us in the past. For those of us who are the strong, we make our mistakes, but we're brave enough to get back up and make another one in our quest to find the right path. We wrap our loved ones in our arms, and if they're looking to us to help them get back up, we do that because we know we are strong enough to bear their pain and our own, and we want to take their fear away. More times than not, we find ourselves being blamed when our strength isn't enough to carry another, or we can't take their pain away. 

It's a vicious circle for strong people. We want to be strong for ourselves and for those we love, but it's that strength that convinces others that you don't need anyone to pick up your pieces, or hold you when you cry. 

You're a rock. And rocks don't bleed, and they certainly don't cry.